So long, suckers, but before I leave, let me say:

In the spirit of barefaced pomposity, I'm going to use this, my last op-ed at The Easterner, to carry on a longstanding tradition. College paper editors have long exploited their transitory grip on a public forum to impart last words of wisdom and/or so-long-suckers sentiment before graduation.

After more years than I care to say (10, off and on, if you must know), I too am about to leave behind these holy halls of learning to wade into an unwelcoming world of jobless journalists.

As I'll likely never get the opportunity to do it again, I'm hereby going to tell you, gentle reader, what to do. Call it self-important or call it product placement, I don't really care because I'm leaving.

So, without further prolonged reasoning, here goes.

Call your parents and tell them all the bad stuff you did as a kid - just lay it on 'em. You'll feel lighter and your relationship will be more genuine, regardless of your mother's initial tears.

Listen to KYRS community radio at 92.3 FM. It's the only station in Spokane that plays un-canned music and has relevant dialogue by local DJs.

Switch your cell-phone provider to Earth Tones (www.earthtones.com). There's no contract and they donate 100 percent of their profits to support environmental causes.

Speaking of the environment, never, ever, buy non-recycled toilet paper. I can't think of many things more insulting to whatever God you deify than choosing to wipe your butt with virgin forest.

Eat at the One World Café (18 blocks east of Division on Sprague). Their motto is "Everybody Eats." You pay what you can afford or what you feel the meal is worth and believe me, the food is definitely worth a taste.

Try a yoga class or two, even if you think it's weird or snooty. It has the power to dramatically alter the way you feel every day.

Sell your car and use the money to travel. The bus may be a tad inconvenient, but you'll be healthier and happier without the jalopy. If you don't have a car to sell, save every last dime until you can afford a plane ticket to a place where English isn't the primary tongue and live low on the hog. The time to do this is now, before you get mired in middle-age regret - school can wait if need be.

If you do travel abroad, the best way to experience it is by volunteering. There are millions of options out there and all of them will change you dramatically. Go to Transitionsabroad.com for a monster list of possible futures.

Learn a completely useless craft, like scrapbooking or willow basketweaving. Creativity for its own sake stretches your soul and causes the world to expand with more color.

If you wear glasses or contacts, get Lasik eye surgery as soon as possible. It's really expensive and somewhat unsettling to have a laser beam carve into your corneas, but a life free of lenses is worth the pricey horror.

Read news that challenges your beliefs. Regardless of your political leanings, a closed mind is brittle and stunts your ability to reason. Also, try reading more local news than world news. You'll feel less impotent anger when you discover that you can have a hand in changing things at the local level.

Read a few books for pleasure this summer. A 2007 survey said 58 percent of the adult U.S. population never reads a book after leaving school and 80 percent of U.S. families didn't buy or read a book last year. That's just pathetic.

Life without a vice is uninteresting; find yours and don't skimp on it. If you want to binge eat, purge the cut-rate crap like McDonald's for good fast food, like Neato Burrito in downtown Spokane. If you want to drink, ditch the cheap Coors for a pricey, well-crafted microbrew like Anderson Valley or nearby Northern Lights - damn good beers.

So long, suckers.