So what is the difference between the State of the Union and Groundhog Day? One is a pointless ritual, where a dim, fuzzy animal predicts the future, and the other involves a groundhog. And with that I give you the list:
10. Having actually pimped out their daughter Chelsea (where do you think she got that bitchin' grill and limp from?) Hillary and Bill decide pimpin' ain't easy but it sho' is fun and drop out of the race to pursue a rap career.
9. Al Gore's "Man-Bear-Pig" (see: "South Park") goes on a killing spree destroying the Democratic contenders. But since a Democrat being the president is all in our "eemagination," no harm was really done. Oh, and Cartman gets a b***job from Bill.
8. It is revealed that while her husband was in the White House, Hillary "did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky." In other words, she did have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky. Then again maybe a lesbian revelation would help Hillary's likeability? On second thought, strike this one from the list.
7. Just like in his dream, UFOs abduct Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, leaving Dennis Kucinich the sole Democrat to carry on the election. Kucinich's platform consists of giving the vote to embryos, allowing gay animals to marry, and global distribution of the quality grass he is smoking.
6. Barack Obama's running mate, Hillary Clinton.
5. Declaring a jihad on the American people, Democratic contender Barack Obama finally snaps from all the critical e-mails declaring he is a Muslim extremist. Obama's first act of terrorism is replacing the word "HOPE" in the dictionary with the acronym, How Oprah Penetrates Everyone.
4. Since all of the contenders for president are members of the Yale secret society "Skull and Bones," they pull straws from a hat. The contender with the short straw gets to be president, and wouldn't you know it, two-time Democratic spoiler, Ralph Nader, finally gets a chance to be commander-in-chief.
3. Barack Obama decides to really "cross the aisle" by taking John McCain as his running mate. Obama is quoted as saying, "We must learn to bridge the gap between white and black, young and old, Democrat and Republican." McCain joins the ticket, having regretted not doing so with John Kerry in 2004, and the two are beaten by the skeletal remains of Ronald Reagan. 2. Hillary finds her way to rehab after an infamous "panty-less shot" taken by paparazzi exiting a limo for a Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Jane Fonda fundraiser.
1. Three words: Bush's Third Term.
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