Screams and giggles

The organization Law Enforcement Against Prohibition (LEAP) has recently achieved some notoriety for their efforts to legalize drugs.

This communist gang of police officers makes outrageous claims that "The War on Drugs" is somehow similar to the unsuccessful alcohol prohibition in the early part of the last century.

This is obviously not true. I mean, just look at the name. The title "The War on Drugs" does not have the word "prohibition" anywhere in it. It's these types of factual errors that make me fear for my children, rainbows and capitalism.

However, being a good reporter, I decided to invite those in favor of drug legalization to a debate with a great patriot and strong supporter of drug legislation, Sharky "Cutthroat" Daniels. His opposition was some man named Milton Friedman, winner of the 1976 Nobel Memorial Prize in economics, recipient of the National Medal of Science (1988), and the Presidential Medal of Freedom (1989). The following is a brief transcript:

Milton Friedman: Drugs should be legalized because enforcing drug laws costs the United States $69 billion a year. Despite the government's best efforts, drugs are cheaper, more potent, and easier to get than before the drug war started.

Sharky "Cutthroat" Daniels: No. Also, I have a gun.

Milton Friedman: I see your point.

Sharky "Cutthroat" Daniels: Also, I got a new haircut.

Milton Friedman: It's very nice...

Sharky "Cutthroat" Daniels: Are you sure? I mean, you're not saying that just to make me feel better are you?

Milton Friedman: No, the haircut looks very sharp.

Sharky "Cutthroat" Daniels: Thank you. I want it to bring out my eyes...

The controversial debate won by Daniels's fine rhetorical and pistol skills continued for four more hours, highlighted by Daniels's discussion of his loving mother, killing a man just to watch him die and the relationship between the Dadaists and the Bauhaus School of Art Design.

Daniels went on to explain why drugs should remain illegal, "If it weren't for drug laws, innocent people would immediately find the nearest drug store and inject heroin into their eyeballs. Americans just cannot be trusted to make decisions about their health." This is clearly true. The government has always had its citizens' best interests in mind. If we were left to make health choices for ourselves we might end up doing terrible things, like getting so overweight that we could not even be conscripted to fight in places like Iraq.

Besides, the drug war has almost been won. According to Daniels, "Jail is an effective deterrent to crack addicts. That is a fact." One of crack addicts' main concerns is being arrested and nobody wants that on their resumé. He went on, "I think the drug war will be over before we leave Iraq."

Those who wish to hold their own debate with Daniels can find him at the corners of 46th, 47th, and 48th Streets.