Network television is moldy and tired

Crappy television has finally caught up with network executives. Still feeling the effects of the writer's strike, ABC, CBS, NBC and FOX reported that their viewership is down 9 percent from last year's April and May numbers.

That means that nearly a tenth of all the television viewers in America have stopped tuning in. Pretty impressive numbers if you consider how many people actually watch television.

So does this mean we're starting to get outside more and exercise? Nope. We're the biggest fat-asses in the world and that's not going to change. People are probably playing Xbox, surfing the Internet or watching Blu-ray discs on their flat screen.

The reason people aren't tuning into television has less to do with the strike because the strike helped people realize that network programming has become a terrible cesspool of crap that rivals a porta-potty set up during an Oktoberfest German Sausage Eating Contest.

If "American Idol" is your biggest draw it isn't a good sign. But, it shouldn't exceed even the dimmest of network execs' mental capacity that a popularity and singing contest with washed-up celebrities as hosts might lose its appeal after a while. And "Survivor!" I remember when it first came out and felt so fresh and innovative in 2000, eight years ago, when I was in middle school.

Let's just say that the freshness of reality TV shows rivals that of a French chick's armpits.

But at least dramatic shows are still towing the line, right? I mean, we only have 40 "CSI: Insert random city name here" on television. That's not over-saturation or anything. Remember, network execs are the same geniuses who thought it would be smart to run new episodes of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" five days a week.

And shall we run off the fine lineup of sitcoms that are sure to keep you all glued to your couches on weeknights: "How I Met Your Mother," "Two and a Half Men," "The New Adventures of Old Christine," "'Til Death," "Ugly Betty," "Carpoolers" and "Unhitched." I mean, who could turn that down? Anyone? You in the back with the Spock Lives T-shirt?

You know what; screw that. Spend the weekdays with EPIC Adventures, intramurals or with one of the various clubs on campus, because chances are your time with them is going to be a whole lot more appealing than those sitcoms. Trust me, whatever you miss, you're not going to really regret.

Sever the umbilical cord, those days of "Family Matters," "Full House" and "America's Funniest Home Videos" with Bob Saget are over. What's left is a crappy version of "SNL" and 45-year-old housewives hooking up.

Television has become such a wasteland of anything entertaining that you're more likely to develop some sort of seizure problem than actually enjoy yourself watching TV. Other than the upcoming awesome premier of "24" and Jack Bauer doing something freakin' amazing like curing somebody of cancer with his spit, most shows on television make us groan like we just consumed the entire left side of the McDonald's menu.

And now I've just realized. I'm turning into my parents.